My six year old daughter has lately been unable to keep her fingers out of the peanut butter. I would frown at one taste with a clean spoon, but that would require more foresight and restraint than she has right now. It is not limited to peanut butter. She has taken to raiding the refrigerator, exploring the contents of dresser drawers other than her own, and climbing up to reach forbidden objects. I've noticed an uptick in disobedience and defiance, more tantrums, more distress in the feel of snug clothing against her body. And then it hit me. We are reducing the medication she was taking because it was not effective enough to keep her calm enough to learn.
This particular medication did have somewhat of a calming effect on my daughter. However, it does contain an artificial color in the coating on the pill. My child is allergic to artificial dyes--they dramatically increase her hyperactivity, impulsivity, non-compliance, and inattentiveness. We had hoped that the medicine would overcome the effects of the dye, but no such luck. So we are gradually decreasing the dosage.
This means, of course, that over the next couple of weeks, my daughter will be getting less and less of the medicine but all of the dye. I'd ask someone to wake me up when it's over, but I have to be on hand to contain the damage. At least it is only a couple of weeks.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thou Shalt Not Steal
My daughter has been struggling with the concept of possession, self-discipline, and respect for others' belongings. She battles with her intense desires for everything from cookies in the cabinets that are acceptable to eat ONLY when we give them to her to her sister's lip gloss. She has progressed from snatching whatever looks interesting in the moment. Now she rationalizes.
"That's my sister's headband," I caught her saying one day. "I bet she doesn't want it anymore. She left here. She isn't taking care of it. I bet I can have it."
I watched this mental shift in horrified fascination. My mind went directly to a store, and I could hear her thinking, "Those look cool. They have lots of those. I bet they wouldn't care if I took one."
I intervened as she reached for her sister's headband. "What do you want to do with that?" I asked.
"I can keep it. She doesn't want it anymore."
"Let's put it in her room," I suggested in a rare moment of patience and insight. I took her hand to lead her upstairs. "That would be the best thing."
My daughter was reluctant, but with my help she returned her sister's headband. How many such incidents will I have to lead her through before the lesson sticks?
"That's my sister's headband," I caught her saying one day. "I bet she doesn't want it anymore. She left here. She isn't taking care of it. I bet I can have it."
I watched this mental shift in horrified fascination. My mind went directly to a store, and I could hear her thinking, "Those look cool. They have lots of those. I bet they wouldn't care if I took one."
I intervened as she reached for her sister's headband. "What do you want to do with that?" I asked.
"I can keep it. She doesn't want it anymore."
"Let's put it in her room," I suggested in a rare moment of patience and insight. I took her hand to lead her upstairs. "That would be the best thing."
My daughter was reluctant, but with my help she returned her sister's headband. How many such incidents will I have to lead her through before the lesson sticks?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Managing Your Emotions Parenting an ADHD Child
No matter how much you love your child and how wonderful your child is, you will find yourself caught up in an emotional whirlwind when your child is hyperactive and impulsive with an attention span faster than the second hand on your watch. Handling your varying states of exhaustion, frustration, guilt, anger, and heart-stopping fear is so important to your parenting efforts. So is understanding your child.
Chances are that you are wrapped in a cocoon of fatigue that started when you brought your newborn home from the hospital and hasn't let up since. The first remedy for that is rest for you. Any which way you can get a break, even a small one, take it. Understanding friends and relatives can help you out here. Leading right in to the next remedy is to exhaust your child. Any activity that will tire your child out, from turning your child loose in the backyard to martial arts, gymnastics, climbing, or any other suitable sport, is a good one. If someone else is in charge, so much the better. Any time someone else is helping your child burn off some energy is a time for you to rest. If you can catch up on an errand or two without your child in tow, that works also, but don't try to cram too much work into those precious moments or you'll be even more tired than you were before.
Whenever you feel frustrated, remember that your child is even more so. She doesn't want to ride the rollercoaster she's on. He isn't trying to leave a path of destruction in his wake. Your child wants to please you more than anything, just like any other child. Don't be fooled by the smart remarks, the non-compliance, the forgotten rules. When you let yourself see your child's frustration and sympathize, you'll find the patience you need.
It is so easy to feel guilty that your child has these challenges. Keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault, and you are not being punished by bad karma. Whatever the causes of ADHD, you gain nothing by drowning yourself in a sea of guilt. The sooner you comes to terms with that, the lighter the emotional load on your psyche. Also remember that you have nothing to prove to anyone. Just knowing that you are doing your best as a parent is all you really need.
Your ability to deal with anger is critically important to your piece of mind and keeping the family peace. When your anger is overwhelming, you can walk away and count to 10. Sometimes you can create a suitable consequence for your child's actions, wiping the table, the floor, or his own shirt with a damp cloth, picking up every spilled crayon on the floor, sweeping the mess into a dust pan. For those times when you are angry with your child for being born with her challenges, try to get some perspective in a quiet moment. This is just the hand you both were dealt, and every time you solve a problem or a crisis you become more and more capable.
As for fear, don't live in the future. Just try to keep your child safe in the present moment. Fear is not meant to be squashed down for it serves the purpose of alerting you to danger. The problems comes when you are plagued by fears of the future, by worries over incidents that haven't happened yet. Listen to these fears, and then release them. If you cling to fears of what could happen to your child in the future, you won't be paying attention to what is happening in the present moment.
In order to be the best parent you can be for your child, pay attention to your emotions and try to stay positive. Acknowledge your feelings and let go of the ones that don't feel so good. Sympathize with your child. Most of all, be kind to yourself.
Chances are that you are wrapped in a cocoon of fatigue that started when you brought your newborn home from the hospital and hasn't let up since. The first remedy for that is rest for you. Any which way you can get a break, even a small one, take it. Understanding friends and relatives can help you out here. Leading right in to the next remedy is to exhaust your child. Any activity that will tire your child out, from turning your child loose in the backyard to martial arts, gymnastics, climbing, or any other suitable sport, is a good one. If someone else is in charge, so much the better. Any time someone else is helping your child burn off some energy is a time for you to rest. If you can catch up on an errand or two without your child in tow, that works also, but don't try to cram too much work into those precious moments or you'll be even more tired than you were before.
Whenever you feel frustrated, remember that your child is even more so. She doesn't want to ride the rollercoaster she's on. He isn't trying to leave a path of destruction in his wake. Your child wants to please you more than anything, just like any other child. Don't be fooled by the smart remarks, the non-compliance, the forgotten rules. When you let yourself see your child's frustration and sympathize, you'll find the patience you need.
It is so easy to feel guilty that your child has these challenges. Keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault, and you are not being punished by bad karma. Whatever the causes of ADHD, you gain nothing by drowning yourself in a sea of guilt. The sooner you comes to terms with that, the lighter the emotional load on your psyche. Also remember that you have nothing to prove to anyone. Just knowing that you are doing your best as a parent is all you really need.
Your ability to deal with anger is critically important to your piece of mind and keeping the family peace. When your anger is overwhelming, you can walk away and count to 10. Sometimes you can create a suitable consequence for your child's actions, wiping the table, the floor, or his own shirt with a damp cloth, picking up every spilled crayon on the floor, sweeping the mess into a dust pan. For those times when you are angry with your child for being born with her challenges, try to get some perspective in a quiet moment. This is just the hand you both were dealt, and every time you solve a problem or a crisis you become more and more capable.
As for fear, don't live in the future. Just try to keep your child safe in the present moment. Fear is not meant to be squashed down for it serves the purpose of alerting you to danger. The problems comes when you are plagued by fears of the future, by worries over incidents that haven't happened yet. Listen to these fears, and then release them. If you cling to fears of what could happen to your child in the future, you won't be paying attention to what is happening in the present moment.
In order to be the best parent you can be for your child, pay attention to your emotions and try to stay positive. Acknowledge your feelings and let go of the ones that don't feel so good. Sympathize with your child. Most of all, be kind to yourself.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Judgment
One of the hardest things to cope with as the parent of an ADHD is being judged by others. Everyone thinks we're slacker parents who can't be bothered to discipline our children. We feel the stares and glares as we drag an eight-year-old through the store, screaming because he isn't getting what he wants or because we're screaming at him for some misdeed. Other parents don't arrange playdates because our child is too aggressive and confrontational. Sometimes even those closest to us, our spouses, parents, in-laws, and other relatives are full of criticism and unhelpful advice. How often have I heard the condescending, "She just doesn't listen to you, does she?" implying that it's all my fault.
I have only one way to cope with judgment and those who are judgmental and critical. In the friendliest way possible, I simply don't care what others think of me. My daughter and I make spectacles of ourselves on public so frequently that I lack the emotional energy to care. I get hostile, disapproving looks and comments, and I just tell myself, "I wish you well, but I don't care what you think of me." This is not easy, especially since I've really learned to appreciate the sympathetic, encouraging responses I get from total strangers. Of course, I want to be well thought of--I've just learned not to count on it. I let others keep their criticisms and focus my attention where it needs to be--on my child.
I have only one way to cope with judgment and those who are judgmental and critical. In the friendliest way possible, I simply don't care what others think of me. My daughter and I make spectacles of ourselves on public so frequently that I lack the emotional energy to care. I get hostile, disapproving looks and comments, and I just tell myself, "I wish you well, but I don't care what you think of me." This is not easy, especially since I've really learned to appreciate the sympathetic, encouraging responses I get from total strangers. Of course, I want to be well thought of--I've just learned not to count on it. I let others keep their criticisms and focus my attention where it needs to be--on my child.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Help for ADHD and Learning Disabilities
I am existing from one hopeful possibility to another. I suppose it's natural to cling to possible solutions when you're wrestling with a knotty problem. The latest focus of my optimism is the Shedd Academy, located in Mayfield, Ky. The Shedd Academy specializes in educating children with dyslexia and ADD, with remarkable success.
I spoke to the friendly, helpful lady who answered the phone at length as I inquired about resources for learning materials and curricula to teach dyslexic children the fundamentals of reading and math. The materials available are only to those who have been trained to use them, and however inconvenient this may be to me personally, it is reassuring to know that I could be trained to supplement my child's education if I had to.
My husband is naturally assuming the role of resident skeptic. He didn't grow up with a sibling who struggled with reading and thought her father drove an Avon car. (It was a Chevy Nova.) He didn't watch her trace her spelling words on sandpaper and learn cursive without learning to print as part of what was known as the Shedd Method. He know her when she was mainstreamed in fifth grade reading on the high school level and doing eighth grade math. It's good that he plays devil's advocate. I need the balance.
I don't know of this is one of the solutions to helping my child learn, but I am certainly going to find out.
I spoke to the friendly, helpful lady who answered the phone at length as I inquired about resources for learning materials and curricula to teach dyslexic children the fundamentals of reading and math. The materials available are only to those who have been trained to use them, and however inconvenient this may be to me personally, it is reassuring to know that I could be trained to supplement my child's education if I had to.
My husband is naturally assuming the role of resident skeptic. He didn't grow up with a sibling who struggled with reading and thought her father drove an Avon car. (It was a Chevy Nova.) He didn't watch her trace her spelling words on sandpaper and learn cursive without learning to print as part of what was known as the Shedd Method. He know her when she was mainstreamed in fifth grade reading on the high school level and doing eighth grade math. It's good that he plays devil's advocate. I need the balance.
I don't know of this is one of the solutions to helping my child learn, but I am certainly going to find out.
Keeping Your Peace of Mind
When you have a child who insists on doing the opposite of what you suggest (unless it involves sweets), who responds to firm commands with a wild, "No! Never!" and a mad dash in the opposite direction, who pours your shampoo into the bath, you begin to wonder about your peace of mind. Add that to your constant yelling and threats of punishment, mix in a raging dose of sibling rivalry, and you're wondering if you ever had any peace of mind to begin with.
I can only think of one solution at the moment, and that is taking time for yourself. Never mind that you feel guilty leaving your little tornado in the care of anyone else. Take a deep breath and consider who you can call to give yourself a break. Go sit in a cafe or browse in a bookstore, go to the movies, the batting cages, the spa, a museum. Go sit in a quiet church where all you have to do is kneel in a pew with your hands folded to be left alone. Join a book club, a discussion group. Do whatever feeds your spirit and brings you a sense of calm. That's the first step.
I can only think of one solution at the moment, and that is taking time for yourself. Never mind that you feel guilty leaving your little tornado in the care of anyone else. Take a deep breath and consider who you can call to give yourself a break. Go sit in a cafe or browse in a bookstore, go to the movies, the batting cages, the spa, a museum. Go sit in a quiet church where all you have to do is kneel in a pew with your hands folded to be left alone. Join a book club, a discussion group. Do whatever feeds your spirit and brings you a sense of calm. That's the first step.
Monday, October 12, 2009
When Parents Hate Homework
Homework might have been boring in the past, in my childhood. It might have been a burden, something I did only because I had to. But I have never truly hated homework until now. How painful it is to haul out the stack of papers and sit with a child who wiggles and fusses, eyes darting everywhere, insisting that she must color, her boo-boo hurts, that the light hurts her eyes. She grabs the pencil and begins to scribble, not waiting for directions.
She groans at the instructions. Each word she writes is a jumble of consonants, a short vowel word written right to left and spelled backwards, or just the first letter of the word. She writes, "I L sme," and I know she loves our dog, Sammy. Her favorite animal is a G-O-D, written right to left D-O-G. She writes letters backwards, common for a first grader, but the letters are sometimes stacked vertically on their sides in a Tower of Babel.
This is a bright child who is struggling to learn to read, to count to twenty without skipping a number. This is a child who has been sent home from school twice for vomiting her breakfast under the strain of learning in a special education classroom. In a strange way, I am grateful to her. She won't fly under the radar and fall through the cracks. But can she learn?
I believe she can learn. I have faith that she can learn well and thrive in the right academic environment. I just have to find the right place and the right tools to help her.
She groans at the instructions. Each word she writes is a jumble of consonants, a short vowel word written right to left and spelled backwards, or just the first letter of the word. She writes, "I L sme," and I know she loves our dog, Sammy. Her favorite animal is a G-O-D, written right to left D-O-G. She writes letters backwards, common for a first grader, but the letters are sometimes stacked vertically on their sides in a Tower of Babel.
This is a bright child who is struggling to learn to read, to count to twenty without skipping a number. This is a child who has been sent home from school twice for vomiting her breakfast under the strain of learning in a special education classroom. In a strange way, I am grateful to her. She won't fly under the radar and fall through the cracks. But can she learn?
I believe she can learn. I have faith that she can learn well and thrive in the right academic environment. I just have to find the right place and the right tools to help her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)